Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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