im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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