my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
