I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize