and she was petting her beer can
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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