I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
