I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
