Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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