My first STD was from a foam party
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
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