my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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