He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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