And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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