I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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