I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
