Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
