My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
