1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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