I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
