MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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