Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
