I cannot find my penis.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
