piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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