I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
