I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
