I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
