I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You need Xanax blowdarts
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
