i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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