Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
