I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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