Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
