She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
