Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
