when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize