i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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