You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
