do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
