upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize