Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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