i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
