I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
