she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
