I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
