I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
