Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
