So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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