I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
