Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
