If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
