dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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