I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
