somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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