The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
