I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
me + whiskey = a bad person
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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