if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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