I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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