meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
