I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
