he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
