If that was your dad, he is hot
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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