The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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